Process

I'm so frustrated. I want to throw it all away- give it all up. I can't. I want to...but I can't bring myself to do it. It's like when you have a dog with caderacs in each eye (blind) and you know it'd be better if you killed it...but you can't bring yourself to do it. I'm irritated and I want it to stop. I know it won't unless I leave. If I get away from it all...then I'll be okay...I'll be better...but I can't leave.

John 13 talks about Jesus washing the disciples feet. He stripped down to a towel and washed and dried their feet, saying that they need to serve people just as Jesus was serving them. To not literally wash people's feet, but to serve.

In SF...while I was doing a 'reflection' of some sort, I overlooked when James and Heather washed our feet... I have John 13 outlined in my bible- I wrote how humbling it would be for me to wash my friend's feet for the main reason that I hate feet. I don't want people touching me with their feet...and I kinda don't want people touching my feet.

God had other plans.

James washed my feet. Which was a little strange to begin with...I don't think anyone has EVER washed my feet. Lacy said that it was a humbling experience for her...but I think mine was more of a realization. Right then and there I realized how much James and Heather do. That they've done. This past year has been hard on me spiritually, what with Rob leaving- but I let go of him...and on Thursday night while I watched James and Heather wash feet and pray...I let go of Rob completely. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I don't think I can say this enough- thank you James and Heather for coming to South.

I woke up this morning around 10:30, ate a doughnut, and took a shower. While in the shower I remembered that if i was still in San Fran, I'd be at the mission, acting out being a nose...or something of that sort. I think today was the worst of missing all the kids.

The 13 through the 19 I went to San Francisco. Home of the "weirdos", the "bums/hobos", the "gays" and the "sinners". And although I saw people taking off their pants in the middle of the street, men high off their mind, people of the same sex holding hands, men wearing dresses and skirts- I also saw people. I saw not just a 'city of sin' but a city of sadness. Where children are afriad to walk down a street in broad daylight because two murders had happened a couple weeks earlier, where the homeless have a better attitude than I do when I don't get the CD I want at Christmas, where all the kids need is love-- nothing else.

This week has been extrodinary for me, and as I come back home to my comfortable home and bed and kitchen full of food-- I wonder if anything that I saw and/or heard will stay with me. Will I remember the constant sireans? Will I remember how there was a locked gait/bars on windows and doors? Will I remember the sound of children laughing and giggling over flat balls and plastic cups instead of softballs? Will I remember that there was a gay pride flag on almost every street because no one cares?

I told James and the team that I will have a better attitude when I came home. I really hope I will. I hope that I remember that there are kids who get beat every night, that there are people who's last meal was two weeks ago, that some kids live right across the street from a house full of a gang, that some people haven't felt a bed in a month because there's no room in any shelters. And as I live in my safe neighborhood, in my warm house, under my covers in my bed- that there are people out there who are less fortunte and I should never pout over a "wrong present" or something meaningless like that.

school is out and san francisco is in two days!!!!

I've been talking about Change lately...but that's because on Sunda I found out Katie and Colby are leaving SACC...I think this is going to effect me as much as Rob's leaving effected me...

It's funny...my dad and i never have really had a good relationship...and I know that's a common tale, but I've found that it's harder to deal with than to hear about- as are most things. He's not a christian, he doesn't go to church, he leaves in the morning before I wake up, and gets home around eight at night...the number of hugs I've given him since i got out of third grade I could most likely count on two hands...he drinks- he smokes...we have nothing really in common... And as Father's day is here, I miss something I've never had. A good father. And I realize that I may have it better than some girls, but it still hurts.

I think it's funny how different males and females are. I colored my hair today and two men that I know think...I shouldn't have done it because i guess it looked better before. But all the women I talked to, loved it! Said it looked good with my complexion and it looked better darker...then of course there's the men who didn't even notice at all. I think it's funny that women except change better than males...

Speaking of change...it's strange how things you thought were never going to change, do. How people you think are your strong hold in life...leave, and you find you can do fine without them. That happened to me today. people I look up to and consider practically my siblings, are leaving my life. Now that I'm writing all this down, I think it's because God's trying to make me depend on him. Like I don't think other people are dependent on these two people as much as I am...it's hard to even think about and I almost want to be mad...but I guess this is the part where I close my eyes and hold out my hand for Jesus to take and start taking those steps of faith. The only thing is- I'm scared and I don't think I'm ready to.

So as my trip to San Francisco draws near, I pray that I'll be ready. This is my first mission trip...what if I miss up the prayer with someone? What if I give them the wrong impression? I should trust God in everything that I do, but...i'm scared. I'm scared to give Him everything. I've never done that with anyone. And even though it's not really that evident to people around me- I try to supress it as much as I can. I think that's why I'm so scared about this trip- because I can't let go of my fears and insecurities...
It was a good day though. San Fran draws near and I try to piece together everything that I need to figure out by then or everything that I need to sort out. I keep thinking about my old youth pastor. The last time I saw him he said 'goodbye' to me in an odd way...like he knew it was going to be the last time I ever saw him.
I've been thinking about that last goodbye and what I know he's done since he's left our church, to my family, to my youth pastor and to my friends, and I wonder what would've happened if he never left, would he still be going on the downward spiral? Would he keep our youth group in one place instead of where my youth pastor is taking us now? Taking us places where we never thought was possible...
It was hard letting go, but I think it was even harder embracing my current youth pastor. And people kept telling me he was going to take our church far. He was going to take it places it hasn't been before. And I realize that now, and now I have a strange feeling of not wanting to grow up so I don't have to leave the youth group because I want to go places with it.

Oh man, school's coming to an end and I see myself and everyone around me getting...lazy. My math teacher said she'll drop our lowest test score, and if that means our lowest teast score is our final...bye bye final. it's awesome, but it's also giving me a reason NOT to study.
I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it through college alive.